The Olympic Sports I Shouldn't Try

Every four (two?) years I watch the Olympic Games (or live them as the case may be) and I have a tendency to think "what if?"

I was never an athletic kid and I think I got a bit trapped in the typical Midwest Catholic school cycle of "if you suck at basketball, volleyball, soccer or softball, you should give up now."

But I'm a bit too old to ponder my Olympic would-be dreams for too long. 

(Though if you must know, if I got a do-over button, if have been a rower. Think about it ... Perfect, right?)

But that's no fun to blog about. 

So let's talk about the sports I see on TV and go "Oh helllllllls no" to whether I ever could have done any of the following ... 

1. Pole vault

I love watching the pole vault. It's beautiful. It's athletic. Everybody's strong, but they still fly ... 

That said ... Why would I want to fly? There's planes for that. The pure thought makes me queasy. 

And, let's be honest... I'm uncoordinated and I'd probably break my neck or die. 

2. Synchronized swimming

I grew up a pool rat. 

Love swimming. 

Right side up dammit. 

Swimming upside down? With your nose plugged? Covered in makeup and sequins? 

Nooooo thank you. It's hard as hell and I have much respect for synchronized swimmers. 

But no. I'll pass on the glitter.

3. Platform Diving

Full disclosure ... I'd be a terrible diver. Forget that I don't have the right body type ... I'd just be awkward and terrible. 

But that's not the problem.

I'd be awkward and terrible at most sports. 

A friend once tried me to go down a luge start track. I spent 40 minutes trying to get up the nerve and sitting shaking on a sled. 

(Btw ... This luge start track is in a garage. Do you know what that means? It's not that high).

I'm just a baby. 

And I can't imagine how you force yourself to jump off ledge that's three or four stories in the air. Never mind the spinning and flipping and the belly flopping that would inevitably occur ...

4. Boxing 

Being hit in the head. 'Nuff said.

5. Rhythmic Gymnastics

Realistically, I couldn't do artistic gymnastics either when I never learned how to do a cartwheel as a child. 

But combine the athleticism of artistic gymnastics with the choreography of rhythmic and my coordination level? 

You've got a poorly written SNL skit. 

Though, perhaps for another blog I really should try all of the above ... Except someone's gotta foot the bill on the insurance policy first ...